Tomaso Vimercati: “Let’s go beyond monogamy”

Lui, Tomaso Vimercati, the practice of monogamy. Every day. And for about fifteen years. Born in 1983, videomaker and professional writer, after years of questions and provocations (public and not), between interviews and speeches, he thought it was time to answer everyone with Beyond monogamy. Confessions of a sentimental anarchist (Tea), a very agile text that is the result of a life devoted to alternative forms of relationship to monogamy.

Monogamy is not mandatory

As each human activity is learned little by little, their hope is that many more people (not monogamous) will feel less “different”. too Vimercati grew up thinking that monogamy was synonymous with normalcy after all, and that the pillars of society were marriage and heritage (note the prefixes of the two concepts that make them two fathers of our stability).

How did the lighting come about?
He had received several disappointments on several fronts and I began to question many of my beliefs since then, including those of relationships. So I found myself wanting two different girls, something I never thought possible. One of them was distant, but the other seemed to correspond to my feelings. I didn’t want to lie to her or myself, I just told her things as they were – I wasn’t entirely happy about it, but she kissed me anyway.

Beyond the monogamy of Tomaso Vimercati, TEA, 224 pp, 15 €

The different faces of monogamy

Are we talking about an open couple, a “friends area” or a loving friendship?
The distinction for me is completely arbitrary. Also, if monogamy is a free and conscious choice, I don’t criticize it. But if we talk a little more often today about non-monogamy, it is also because many factors favor it, such as ease of movement and communication. The question we should ask ourselves is: does it make sense to impose a single type of relationship on everyone?

What do you answer?
Anarchy does not mean autarky: cooperation between individuals is the basis of anarchist thought. Stability is not necessarily a value, but even thinking in these terms I believe that a dense network of relationships is safer than a single person in whom to rely completely for their needs and desires.

Sex: the rules to save the couple from betrayal (word of an expert!)

Sex: the rules to save the couple from betrayal (word of an expert!)

And with building a family what do we do?
I believe in family, but if three or four loving adults decide to live together and put their belongings in a basket, do we still call them family or municipality? And does it really matter? I have several people with whom I want to share experiences, intimacy, meals, travel, homes. I don’t feel the need to give them a specific name. And I believe that having or adopting children should not be an exclusive prerogative of the traditionally understood family.

The advantage?
Greater freedoms that, however, should correspond to greater responsibilities. Many aspire to non-monogamy but there are those who give up denying the goodness of choice, there are those who risk being hurt and seem ridiculous and there are those who instead try to patiently involve others, which is the only way to carry it out. the most difficult feats.

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How many girlfriends do you have exactly?
I find it difficult to answer this question, because an important part of my discourse is precisely to question the boundaries between one type of relationship and another, between friendship and the romantic relationship, for example. I spend time with several people I love, I will reciprocate. But if the question is “how many relationships do you have?” I calmly answer dozens or even hundreds. If, on the other hand, it is “how many people do you often sleep in the same bed with?”, Today I would answer two, but I don’t think it’s particularly relevant.


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