how to find the right balance in the relationship

Seconds psychology, the couple can be considered a “natural therapeutic relationship”. Not always, however, the couple is just fine. To understand more, we interviewed Dr. Chiara Venturi, a psychotherapist specializing in couple therapy.

How does a partner crisis manifest itself?

A professional psychologist with some experience in relational dynamics will be able to confirm that the couple crisis they can be made in a wide variety of forms, and with different levels of complexity. It can happen that at some point the functioning of the couple becomes disorganized, even abruptly as a result of specific events. Or it can happen that the couple’s problems gradually become silent or open crises: crises that, depending on the case, can be progressive or disruptive. There are crises that manifest themselves in a disorderly and difficult way to read and others that, on the other hand, appear in a more “orderly” and accessible way. Often a crisis can consist of a vicious circle dysfunctional of which both partners have difficulty getting out on their own. In all these cases, both partners may begin to perceive the danger of lose your partner and everything that has been built together, or the threat of separation. Usually the hardest part is admitting that the couple has entered a critical phase.

What are the unconscious components underlying a couple’s problems?

People, often tacitly, but sometimes also consciously and manifestly, advance some of them relational requests By “proposing” to the couple the satisfaction of their desires and expectations, which can be both implicit and explicit. In other words, they ask the couple to transform into something that is consistent with their unconscious expectations. We are talking about a dynamic operation that can be transformed a large selection of combinations. Thus, while evolutionary and balanced development may lead to mutual growth, on the contrary, regressive functioning may harden positions in polarized and fixed roles and expectations. The fact is that these mechanisms are not always accessible to the partners. That’s why a couple therapist or a consultant can offer a professional and more objective analysis of the dynamic functioning of the couple, obviously in a neutral and non-judgmental way.

What if there is suffering in one of the partners?

It is not said that relationships cannot be healthy if one is found suffering or a pathology in one of the two pairs. In fact, a couple’s relationship goes beyond the identity of their individual subjects, it represents something different and additional. As a psychologist can well explain, at the base of the link is a dynamic functioning, for example the identifications: it is about understanding what the subject of himself is in the couple. An important role is also that of projections, which a psychotherapist can also define as “prejudices”: this is what is automatically attributed to the other person, and which the other person may decide to refuse or accept. In some cases, however, a couple cannot or cannot change the image they have in their mind of the other person, for the benefit of one person. representation this is more authentic and more realistic. And, therefore, the autonomy and freedom of expression of the two subjects are limited.

How do you work in this field as a psychologist?

We must first consider the context in which the two partners “to meet”: Not only cultural, but also social and historical context. In fact, the needs and representations of a couple today are different from those of a relationship in the past, and the same goes for benchmarks, social dictates, and so on. Society expresses existing cultural models and ideologies through institutions, organizations and media. These reference models, over time, tend to change, and also affect the psychology of the couple. Ideologies and values ​​become habits and behaviors, conditioning the social practices and way of thinking of the individual regarding what “should be” a relationship.

And how can a psychologist intervene?

The personal constraints of the single subject are declined and also modified depending on the encounter with the other. Each of us, in fact, within a specific relationship is different from what we might be in another relationship. However, there are factors of internal experiences that re-emerge. The theme doesn’t just repeat them relational schemes who learned in childhood, but also asks the couple to replicate them, albeit unconsciously, even if these patterns are not functional and are a source of suffering. On the other hand, what has been in the past may not be enough to define what a couple might become. In fact, they arise from intersubjectivity possibilities, processes and combinations which are unprecedented and cannot be predicted solely from the past of the couple’s two singles.

How to reach a crisis in a relationship?

There are many things to keep in mind: for example, the ability of both partners to do so take care of yourself as an adult and vice versa: but also what the couple was able to build and what they could not achieve. In addition, it is necessary to analyze how the couple communicates, how they are able to remedy the physiological ruptures of the relationship and to rebalance the roles as time goes on. Finally, it is always useful to analyze how conflicts and crises are manifested, and what are the abilities of the two partners to move in and out of the relationship.

Learn more about Dr. Chiara Venturi

Dra. Chiara Venturi is a psychologist, psychotherapist and couple consultant in Milan: the expert to turn to when you need a professional support to face a moment of personal growth or a moment of crisis, but also problems of anxiety, self-esteem or relationship difficulties. Dr. Venturi is a psychoanalytically oriented psychotherapist and specializes in the approach called EMDR, an acronym for Desensitization and reprocessing of eye movement. Their activity takes the form of a dedicated and active listening, necessary to leave room for subjective and interpersonal dynamics, to favor the resolution of conflicts, difficulties and individual and couple annoyances.

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