Nice guys – what to do if a guy turns out not to be so nice

When is a good guy not at all handsome? When he is a “nice man,” a term used on Reddit to describe a man who believes that behaving in a “kind” or “moral” way entitles him to “sex, romance, and affection.”

These guys quickly get angry and offended if they don’t get from women what they think they deserve. Posts describing these exchanges often go viral on the r / niceguys forum, mostly because the path from “Nice to Meet You” to angry invectives can be so short.

News week He talked to psychologists and therapists, as well as a woman who knew the guy, to understand how to identify and deal with “good guys.”

What is a “good guy”?

The moderators of the r / niceguys subreddit suggest that these men “humiliate others and at the same time express a favorable view of themselves.” While they may not explicitly refer to themselves as likeable, they often “demonstrate an expression of their virtue even if they are foolish.”

Venetia Leonidaki, a consultant psychologist and founder of Spiral Psychology, described them as “men who do not clearly express or affirm their emotional needs, including the need for emotional closeness, sexual connection, attention, and love.”

They expect women to notice them and reward them with affection in exchange for their “approval-seeking behaviors,” Leonidaki said. News week.

“When women do not behave as expected, the ‘good’ ones experience feelings of pain, anger and even betrayal, which can lead to humiliating behavior towards women,” she added. “The decline of women as they express a favorable view of themselves acts as a protective defense.”

A woman covers her face while a man sits in the background. The “good guy” can get bad quickly if he doesn’t get what he wants.
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A Cornell University study published in 2018 found that “initiators of unrequited romantic breakthroughs” often do not understand the difficult position in which they place their “goals” or how uncomfortable it is for them to reject an anticipation not desired.

So said Audrey Tang, a London-based psychologist and leadership trainer News week that there is no specific pathology to describe the “good ones” but narcissism may be the closest in terms of personality.

Typical “good boy” behavior.

Tang said the behavior of a “nice man” can sometimes be explained by understanding the person’s education, but it could also be more “nefarious and gassy.”

“Nice Guys” may not have the emotional intelligence and ability to express and manage their emotions effectively, he added.

Marisa Peer, a therapist, relationship expert and author, explained that these guys often use love bombing to disarm their targets. “They will send non – stop [over-the-top] text messages or emails, they bombard you with praise and you always bring gifts, but be warned: this period is short-lived, ”he said.

“Cute guys are never wrong and will never take the blame for anything,” Peer said. News week. “However, if you try to confront them or point out their mistakes, their mask will start to break and you will experience their anger.”

People with these personality traits are fundamentally insecure, he said. “Anything that defies his authority alters his very fragile ego.”

Most “nice guys” have a hard time expressing their true feelings directly. “They look for ways to please a woman so that they can interest her,” Leonidaki said. “[They] they may have misogynistic beliefs and not really respect women, at the same time they want their affection. ”

“Handsome guys” on the Internet versus real life

Ariana, a waitress who refused to give her full name, had her experience as a “good guy.” She was texting a guy on a dating app, who said he was “not looking for a relationship.”

“I was suspicious, but I answered a couple of times,” he said News week. “A week later, this guy texts and says he’s ‘madly in love with me’ and ‘he must have me.’

After she politely denied it, he bombarded her with derogatory messages, until she blocked him.

Woman looking at laptop while glancing at eyes
A woman looks at a laptop. “The anonymity and physical distance of social media allow feelings of anger to come to the surface,” said a psychologist.
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“Good guys are, unfortunately, pretty common, especially on the internet,” Ariana said. “I think it’s the ability to hide behind a screen and say whatever you want that gives these guys the toxic confidence they have.”

While this behavior predominates in dating apps like Tinder, Ariana said she has had similar experiences on social media like Instagram and Reddit itself.

The psychologists they talked to News week he also claimed that social media has facilitated the behavior of the “good guy”. “The anonymity and physical distance of social media allows feelings of anger to surface and express themselves more easily,” Leonidaki said.

When you meet them in person, he added: “‘Nice Guys’ can act in more passive-aggressive ways, such as withdrawing or expressing a softer form of frustration.”

How to deal with the “good guys”

Look for warning signs that can identify this type. “If someone can’t talk about their problems or struggle with emotional challenges from the beginning and doesn’t accept help, support, or even wants to deal with it, they probably won’t improve much later in the relationship,” Tang said. .

When dealing with “nice guys,” he suggested being polite and recalling that “they may not be in a position to think reasonably about their behavior.” This means that any attempt to educate them “is likely to make you more frustrated,” while abruptly responding means that they have achieved this emotional control over you.

“Cut the contact and block them,” Tang said. “Ask yourself, do you really want drama? What do you gain by giving them your time and precious energy?”

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